Tears trickling down my cheeks burning my skin. Causing rashes and bruises made from painful memories and haunting hurts. A long line of heartbreaks lining up outside my door and it never seems to end. Yet he wipes away every tear not saying a word. Comforts me in hugs of love and compassion telling me it will be okay. I fall into his arms and remain there. Crying myself till I fall asleep. Only to wake up and realize it was all a dream. It was a dream, but it felt so real.
Sometimes we get caught up in our past and when we pray or cry out to God, he seems silent. I’ve learnt that he doesn’t yell either. He is gentle and kind hearted. As for now I know I may not understand whats happening & WHY. But I know one day it will all make sense.
Slipping her glasses off as tears splashed and exploded all over her specs. She knew she had to make a decision. Should I continue to walk with God? Or should I go down a road I know will take my life in an instant? Heart panting, Stress rising, Tears climbing and falling out her eyes. She knew in her heart she wasn’t perfect. She knew in her heart she wasn’t faithful, loyal, loving, trusting, understanding. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t a pure heart at all. Her heart had crumbled inside of her, leaving a pile of steaming ashes. But she knew she had to get back up. She knew trusting God was the only way to go. She knew he was the only way whether she liked it or not. Starring him in the eye only formed more tears in her sight, fogging up her vision. She said she was Sorry. Sorry for being so selfish and stupid as she felt. She was ashamed. She looked away as soon as he caught her sight. Just watching him full of joy playing with his children, thoughts of love he had for them, the songs he sings over them when they sleep, how he held them through storms and how his voice thunders when the devil took even one step near his children. She knew him. She knew God so well but what was stopping her? What was this wall that she was constantly building between them? Why couldn’t she trust him? Was it the fear that he would let her down? The fear that he would leave her alone? No. It was fear that she didn’t trust him because she got hurt from the beginning. Hurt and pain that left her sleeping in pool of tears at night, pain that left her saying meaningless prayers when she knew she needed God the most. She realizes she’s either in or out. There’s no in between, there’s no shades of Grey. You either black or white. Or as she remembered the bible saying “You’re either hot or cold”. Feeling like the woman thrown at Jesus Feet in the bible is the way she felt right now. She didn’t dare look up into his eyes. She didn’t dare utter a word. She barely whispered or sighed. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever she did good or bad, she couldn’t escape her demons. So she lifted up her head and inside her. her ash-dusted heart was blown away by a gust of wind. A wind that took every strength, love and being she ever was within her. She was numb. He reached for her hand and she let him bring her to her feet. She stood there. Guilty, tired and heartless. Not an ounce of love was left. She was exhausted. So unwillingly, she fell into his arms, weak, with no life to live for, he held her. He held her with a broken heart knowing she’d had enough.
Shadows of pitch black surrounds me as I follow him who is in front of me. With a gold sash around him as his white robe glowed, I followed him. I had no idea where we were going. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I was broken. My life broke and then finally I broke myself. I shattered to pieces and here I was, whole whenever I was with and near him. His name is Jesus. This is the first time I’ve trusted him for so long. I don’t know where he’s taking me and what his purpose is for my life, but I trust him. Trusting Jesus is a bit difficult at first. It can be uncomfortable and a change of environment. But once you’re set on a strong foundation, you know who you are and who to trust and what to do. He is and will be forever given the glory.