Slipping her glasses off as tears splashed and exploded all over her specs. She knew she had to make a decision. Should I continue to walk with God? Or should I go down a road I know will take my life in an instant? Heart panting, Stress rising, Tears climbing and falling out her eyes. She knew in her heart she wasn’t perfect. She knew in her heart she wasn’t faithful, loyal, loving, trusting, understanding. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t a pure heart at all. Her heart had crumbled inside of her, leaving a pile of steaming ashes. But she knew she had to get back up. She knew trusting God was the only way to go. She knew he was the only way whether she liked it or not. Starring him in the eye only formed more tears in her sight, fogging up her vision. She said she was Sorry. Sorry for being so selfish and stupid as she felt. She was ashamed. She looked away as soon as he caught her sight. Just watching him full of joy playing with his children, thoughts of love he had for them, the songs he sings over them when they sleep, how he held them through storms and how his voice thunders when the devil took even one step near his children. She knew him. She knew God so well but what was stopping her? What was this wall that she was constantly building between them? Why couldn’t she trust him? Was it the fear that he would let her down? The fear that he would leave her alone? No. It was fear that she didn’t trust him because she got hurt from the beginning. Hurt and pain that left her sleeping in pool of tears at night, pain that left her saying meaningless prayers when she knew she needed God the most. She realizes she’s either in or out. There’s no in between, there’s no shades of Grey. You either black or white. Or as she remembered the bible saying “You’re either hot or cold”. Feeling like the woman thrown at Jesus Feet in the bible is the way she felt right now. She didn’t dare look up into his eyes. She didn’t dare utter a word. She barely whispered or sighed. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever she did good or bad, she couldn’t escape her demons. So she lifted up her head and inside her. her ash-dusted heart was blown away by a gust of wind. A wind that took every strength, love and being she ever was within her. She was numb. He reached for her hand and she let him bring her to her feet. She stood there. Guilty, tired and heartless. Not an ounce of love was left. She was exhausted. So unwillingly, she fell into his arms, weak, with no life to live for, he held her. He held her with a broken heart knowing she’d had enough.
Tossing and turning during sleepless nights. She feels the moon light softly burning her skin. She feels the stars sparkle falling upon her as she opened her eyes. Again, she cannot sleep. It had been a weeks time before she realized that she couldn’t understand why. Why her? Why does everyone else around her seem to be happy and moving on with life? Why does everything still seem the same even though people say God has a plan for her? What plan? Was there even a plan? Was there ever a God? Did he exist? Did he love her? As many more questions plagued her mind, she sat up and let out a stressful sigh. What am I doing here? Why am I here? Am I meant to be here or am I an accident? Memories. Too many memories flooding her mind as pecks of tear filled eyes and found its way to her cheeks and then to her lips. She could taste the bitterness but warm tear drops that continuously sunk into her mouth. She closed her eyes once more and laid down to sleep. She sat up again . Maybe things will change. Maybe they won’t. She couldn’t help but hope for the worst, cause the worst was all she lived. the day she went into hospital. Her heart beat slowly as she fell back into her pillows and fell asleep.
She stands alone in the dark except a dimlight that shines only upon her very being. Surrounded by quietness of suspicion, she can sense all eyes on her. It’s as if she’s on stage and there is an invisible audience watching her every move. Waiting patiently to see her take her next step. The coldness of the air begins to seep in her surroundings. She starts to shiver as she slowly buries her face into her palms. Frustration overtakes her being as she shouts her lungs out “LET ME OUTTA HERE!”. She then falls apart emotionally and looks around, trying to see if there was a way out. But all she could see was pure darkness. Pitch black. With the only sound being the echo of her sobbing & weeping. Water from her eyes fall lightly, dissolving into the ground. She falls to the ground, cuddles her knees near her chest with her face hidden as all hope was truly lost. She was abandoned. She had nothing left but herself in the end. She was all alone.
A glimmer of hope descends as it rides upon the wind. She didn’t mean to but let a trickle of tear drop slide down her face. Hand’s clenched in anger and pain. She didn’t understand a thing that has happened to her in her own life. She couldn’t resist the temptations that she’s fell into many times before. All she could do was wait in anticipation, anxiously fearing the worst to come. Her mind was fogged up of past memories & how it felt as if her childhood was stolen from her. She tried her best to push forward, to push past all the pain, anger and resentment. What is she waiting for? Even she couldn’t answer that question herself. Thinking that if she did what everyone else did, she would be happy. But deep down inside her heart slowly bleeds of tears that have been built up inside. She couldn’t take it no more. She wanted to scream! She wanted to run away. From the people, from the situations, from the memories, from everything. It seemed as if time was on fast forward and she was just aging each day that went by. She took a glimpse around her surroundings. How could she not at least be thankful? Especially for how far the lord has brought her. For everything he brought her through. Even walking through the darkest of the darkest days that came by her. As she sat there, the sun at it’s highest peak, she could feel a breeze brush past her. She calmed her mind and soaked up the view in sight. She needed this moment. She needed to be alone. She had to get away from everyone, even life itself. She remembers running around at her grandma’s house, a house full of many memories. She remembers her childhood home growing up. Playing in the backyard and making houses of hay on the field behind it. “Where had it all gone? Where did all these good times go?” She thought. Heart beating with emotions ready to break out, she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She screamed and cried as she crumbled to her knees. Nothing was left in her life, nothing at all. All that she had seemed like it was stolen to her by time. She didn’t know it but he was there watching her. His heart was beating for her and he could feel her pain…..