Slipping her glasses off as tears splashed and exploded all over her specs. She knew she had to make a decision. Should I continue to walk with God? Or should I go down a road I know will take my life in an instant? Heart panting, Stress rising, Tears climbing and falling out her eyes. She knew in her heart she wasn’t perfect. She knew in her heart she wasn’t faithful, loyal, loving, trusting, understanding. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t a pure heart at all. Her heart had crumbled inside of her, leaving a pile of steaming ashes. But she knew she had to get back up. She knew trusting God was the only way to go. She knew he was the only way whether she liked it or not. Starring him in the eye only formed more tears in her sight, fogging up her vision. She said she was Sorry. Sorry for being so selfish and stupid as she felt. She was ashamed. She looked away as soon as he caught her sight. Just watching him full of joy playing with his children, thoughts of love he had for them, the songs he sings over them when they sleep, how he held them through storms and how his voice thunders when the devil took even one step near his children. She knew him. She knew God so well but what was stopping her? What was this wall that she was constantly building between them? Why couldn’t she trust him? Was it the fear that he would let her down? The fear that he would leave her alone? No. It was fear that she didn’t trust him because she got hurt from the beginning. Hurt and pain that left her sleeping in pool of tears at night, pain that left her saying meaningless prayers when she knew she needed God the most. She realizes she’s either in or out. There’s no in between, there’s no shades of Grey. You either black or white. Or as she remembered the bible saying “You’re either hot or cold”. Feeling like the woman thrown at Jesus Feet in the bible is the way she felt right now. She didn’t dare look up into his eyes. She didn’t dare utter a word. She barely whispered or sighed. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever she did good or bad, she couldn’t escape her demons. So she lifted up her head and inside her. her ash-dusted heart was blown away by a gust of wind. A wind that took every strength, love and being she ever was within her. She was numb. He reached for her hand and she let him bring her to her feet. She stood there. Guilty, tired and heartless. Not an ounce of love was left. She was exhausted. So unwillingly, she fell into his arms, weak, with no life to live for, he held her. He held her with a broken heart knowing she’d had enough.
Shadows of pitch black surrounds me as I follow him who is in front of me. With a gold sash around him as his white robe glowed, I followed him. I had no idea where we were going. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I was broken. My life broke and then finally I broke myself. I shattered to pieces and here I was, whole whenever I was with and near him. His name is Jesus. This is the first time I’ve trusted him for so long. I don’t know where he’s taking me and what his purpose is for my life, but I trust him. Trusting Jesus is a bit difficult at first. It can be uncomfortable and a change of environment. But once you’re set on a strong foundation, you know who you are and who to trust and what to do. He is and will be forever given the glory.
She cried and turned away from him
Only to have him catch her tears
She ran away from him and hid herself
Only to find out he was near
So she walked a path and lost her way
Only by him that she was found
She was being carried by Jesus Himself
When he saw her crawling on the ground
She gave it her all and felt so weak
And realized she made it by his strength
She didn’t want to live anymore
But he was merciful till her last breath
So when she reached the gates of heaven itself
She wondered where Jesus was
She walked in the gates as it opened
Only to have fallen right in his arms
His love welcomed her
And wiped away all her tears
Thats when she realized
That he was always there
Laid before her was the life she had lived. The life she’d fought in, cried in, rejoiced in and had joyful moments. It was like a sunset with different colours shimmering the oceans spark. It was like a reflection of the sunset that fell upon the waters. She just sat there. She never moved. She was still. She was breathing in the peace that entered her presence as he drew near to sit next to her. Her head fell upon his shoulder and remained there.
As they both gazed into this memorable sunset, not a word was said. It was as if time had faded, noise grew silent and peace became frozen still. Even the whispers of the wind were not to be heard.
He said not a word. He just remained next to her. His presence was enough. She needed nothing else. He was a friend. A friend who was there before she was born. A friend who was there before she knew him and a friend after she knew him. He was and will always be there for her.
Tears flowed down her face. Tears that spoke words on its own. A flood of tears emerging in her eyes as they asked questions of their own. Why?
Every tear that dropped from her eyes, he counted. He could feel the warmth, broken heart and love in the tears that slowly dripped one by one. He felt her pain and his heart broke just for her. He loved her and he’d be crucified and die for her one last time, even if she was the only person on earth. She was worth the sacrifice.
Time had gone by already as they glanced into the distance and realized a sunrise was just peaking over into the ocean. Thats when he got up and offered her his hand. She looked at him, heart shattered, confused mind and weary body. Her eyes asked him if she could trust him like all the other times he offered her his hand. This time, she reached out for his hand and he helped her stand up. Taking one last look out into the sunrise, she knew that it was time to move on. Time to let go and let God.
I awoke in a place where clouds were everywhere. I could see tall gates open and a bright beautiful gold light shone through.I stood there amazed at how beautiful this light was. It was so beautiful that I could feel the warmth from the very far distance I was standing. In a blink of an eye, this warmth of light engulfed and embraced me. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t even think. Suddenly, I saw words starting to appear. Agape Love, Beautiful, Warmth, Joy, Peace, Understanding. Suddenly I could hear whispers echoing around me. “I love you”. I couldn’t keep the tears away from my eyes.
Tears of pain splashed in the presence of this light but it dissappeared. Hurt felt in my heart was gripping onto me tightly. But he said to me “Let it go”. I couldn’t understand what was happening. It felt like love was wrapped around me. Assuring me that everything will be okay. I looked up and said to him, I will trust you the best I can. But after awhile I walked away. Thats when he took me by the hand and he said to me “I will carry you. I love you”.
A glimmer of hope descends as it rides upon the wind. She didn’t mean to but let a trickle of tear drop slide down her face. Hand’s clenched in anger and pain. She didn’t understand a thing that has happened to her in her own life. She couldn’t resist the temptations that she’s fell into many times before. All she could do was wait in anticipation, anxiously fearing the worst to come. Her mind was fogged up of past memories & how it felt as if her childhood was stolen from her. She tried her best to push forward, to push past all the pain, anger and resentment. What is she waiting for? Even she couldn’t answer that question herself. Thinking that if she did what everyone else did, she would be happy. But deep down inside her heart slowly bleeds of tears that have been built up inside. She couldn’t take it no more. She wanted to scream! She wanted to run away. From the people, from the situations, from the memories, from everything. It seemed as if time was on fast forward and she was just aging each day that went by. She took a glimpse around her surroundings. How could she not at least be thankful? Especially for how far the lord has brought her. For everything he brought her through. Even walking through the darkest of the darkest days that came by her. As she sat there, the sun at it’s highest peak, she could feel a breeze brush past her. She calmed her mind and soaked up the view in sight. She needed this moment. She needed to be alone. She had to get away from everyone, even life itself. She remembers running around at her grandma’s house, a house full of many memories. She remembers her childhood home growing up. Playing in the backyard and making houses of hay on the field behind it. “Where had it all gone? Where did all these good times go?” She thought. Heart beating with emotions ready to break out, she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She screamed and cried as she crumbled to her knees. Nothing was left in her life, nothing at all. All that she had seemed like it was stolen to her by time. She didn’t know it but he was there watching her. His heart was beating for her and he could feel her pain…..