Sparkles of the breeze of the wind are dusted off her face as she wipes it away. The emotions are spoken through her eyes. It shows what’s hidden within her soul. The deeper you dig, the more you will find. Acceptance has finally found its place in her life. There is nothing more she can do. She has fought this battle long enough on her own. But she can’t stay here. She’s walking away. Her quietness speaks of empty promises made, broken words thrown at her and shattered memories that never turned out to be good. Broken is who she is. Broken is what she breathes and broken is what beats in her heart. She will never be the same again. Her childhood has left her, her loved ones have passed on. All she wants to do is be real with her lord. That’s why she sits there fragile, broken and damaged in front of his throne. Whether he judges her or not is up to him. She is done. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. She doesn’t want to run, walk or crawl. All she wants is to sleep and never wake up again. She is strong..but she is tired.
Slipping her glasses off as tears splashed and exploded all over her specs. She knew she had to make a decision. Should I continue to walk with God? Or should I go down a road I know will take my life in an instant? Heart panting, Stress rising, Tears climbing and falling out her eyes. She knew in her heart she wasn’t perfect. She knew in her heart she wasn’t faithful, loyal, loving, trusting, understanding. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t a pure heart at all. Her heart had crumbled inside of her, leaving a pile of steaming ashes. But she knew she had to get back up. She knew trusting God was the only way to go. She knew he was the only way whether she liked it or not. Starring him in the eye only formed more tears in her sight, fogging up her vision. She said she was Sorry. Sorry for being so selfish and stupid as she felt. She was ashamed. She looked away as soon as he caught her sight. Just watching him full of joy playing with his children, thoughts of love he had for them, the songs he sings over them when they sleep, how he held them through storms and how his voice thunders when the devil took even one step near his children. She knew him. She knew God so well but what was stopping her? What was this wall that she was constantly building between them? Why couldn’t she trust him? Was it the fear that he would let her down? The fear that he would leave her alone? No. It was fear that she didn’t trust him because she got hurt from the beginning. Hurt and pain that left her sleeping in pool of tears at night, pain that left her saying meaningless prayers when she knew she needed God the most. She realizes she’s either in or out. There’s no in between, there’s no shades of Grey. You either black or white. Or as she remembered the bible saying “You’re either hot or cold”. Feeling like the woman thrown at Jesus Feet in the bible is the way she felt right now. She didn’t dare look up into his eyes. She didn’t dare utter a word. She barely whispered or sighed. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever she did good or bad, she couldn’t escape her demons. So she lifted up her head and inside her. her ash-dusted heart was blown away by a gust of wind. A wind that took every strength, love and being she ever was within her. She was numb. He reached for her hand and she let him bring her to her feet. She stood there. Guilty, tired and heartless. Not an ounce of love was left. She was exhausted. So unwillingly, she fell into his arms, weak, with no life to live for, he held her. He held her with a broken heart knowing she’d had enough.
A glimmer of hope descends as it rides upon the wind. She didn’t mean to but let a trickle of tear drop slide down her face. Hand’s clenched in anger and pain. She didn’t understand a thing that has happened to her in her own life. She couldn’t resist the temptations that she’s fell into many times before. All she could do was wait in anticipation, anxiously fearing the worst to come. Her mind was fogged up of past memories & how it felt as if her childhood was stolen from her. She tried her best to push forward, to push past all the pain, anger and resentment. What is she waiting for? Even she couldn’t answer that question herself. Thinking that if she did what everyone else did, she would be happy. But deep down inside her heart slowly bleeds of tears that have been built up inside. She couldn’t take it no more. She wanted to scream! She wanted to run away. From the people, from the situations, from the memories, from everything. It seemed as if time was on fast forward and she was just aging each day that went by. She took a glimpse around her surroundings. How could she not at least be thankful? Especially for how far the lord has brought her. For everything he brought her through. Even walking through the darkest of the darkest days that came by her. As she sat there, the sun at it’s highest peak, she could feel a breeze brush past her. She calmed her mind and soaked up the view in sight. She needed this moment. She needed to be alone. She had to get away from everyone, even life itself. She remembers running around at her grandma’s house, a house full of many memories. She remembers her childhood home growing up. Playing in the backyard and making houses of hay on the field behind it. “Where had it all gone? Where did all these good times go?” She thought. Heart beating with emotions ready to break out, she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She screamed and cried as she crumbled to her knees. Nothing was left in her life, nothing at all. All that she had seemed like it was stolen to her by time. She didn’t know it but he was there watching her. His heart was beating for her and he could feel her pain…..