Have you ever just had that thought, where everything is weighing down on your shoulders. When you’ve tried to find your way out. When you remember all the struggles you’ve been through and you’ve just grown tired. You’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. But then comes along this man that everyone says is full of love. A Love that can only come from above. A special word called “Agape” Love. I’ve wondered for many years if God loved me. You see, I knew he did, but, i realized all these years I’ve struggled if he REALLY did. I don’t know if this is God drawing me near him or drawing me closer. I don’t know whats going on and why my heart is being stirred up. I have strayed from him. I have reached the end of my own journey of walking WITHOUT him. If I could just………i don’t know… something. Maybe I’ll be able to reach him. Be the woman he wants me to be. But when it comes down to love, I realize, its love that i need the most. I never loved myself, i always had grudges held against someone, still have people i haven’t forgiven and other things. I somehow got lost in all the “rules” and “do this and that” , that I forgot where it all started. At the foot of the cross, at love. I remember when i first came to Christ, I Prayed and he answered them. Then I grew in him. I wasn’t raised in the church. I knew about God. But all i knew was his name and that we pray to him when we need help or are in trouble. I remember I had such a passion for him in the beginning of my walk with him. I would walk around with my folder saying “God loves you”, I didn’t care what people thought. I would love reading the word, I would love singing praises to him and so much more. I just wanna show people that they’re not the only ones who go astray. We all go astray at some point. Sometimes its hard to find your way back and thats where i’m up to at the moment – Finding my way back. All I know is that i need to go back to where it started. To love. To the foot of the cross.
Tears trickling down my cheeks burning my skin. Causing rashes and bruises made from painful memories and haunting hurts. A long line of heartbreaks lining up outside my door and it never seems to end. Yet he wipes away every tear not saying a word. Comforts me in hugs of love and compassion telling me it will be okay. I fall into his arms and remain there. Crying myself till I fall asleep. Only to wake up and realize it was all a dream. It was a dream, but it felt so real.
Sometimes we get caught up in our past and when we pray or cry out to God, he seems silent. I’ve learnt that he doesn’t yell either. He is gentle and kind hearted. As for now I know I may not understand whats happening & WHY. But I know one day it will all make sense.
Sparkles of the breeze of the wind are dusted off her face as she wipes it away. The emotions are spoken through her eyes. It shows what’s hidden within her soul. The deeper you dig, the more you will find. Acceptance has finally found its place in her life. There is nothing more she can do. She has fought this battle long enough on her own. But she can’t stay here. She’s walking away. Her quietness speaks of empty promises made, broken words thrown at her and shattered memories that never turned out to be good. Broken is who she is. Broken is what she breathes and broken is what beats in her heart. She will never be the same again. Her childhood has left her, her loved ones have passed on. All she wants to do is be real with her lord. That’s why she sits there fragile, broken and damaged in front of his throne. Whether he judges her or not is up to him. She is done. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. She doesn’t want to run, walk or crawl. All she wants is to sleep and never wake up again. She is strong..but she is tired.
Slipping her glasses off as tears splashed and exploded all over her specs. She knew she had to make a decision. Should I continue to walk with God? Or should I go down a road I know will take my life in an instant? Heart panting, Stress rising, Tears climbing and falling out her eyes. She knew in her heart she wasn’t perfect. She knew in her heart she wasn’t faithful, loyal, loving, trusting, understanding. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t a pure heart at all. Her heart had crumbled inside of her, leaving a pile of steaming ashes. But she knew she had to get back up. She knew trusting God was the only way to go. She knew he was the only way whether she liked it or not. Starring him in the eye only formed more tears in her sight, fogging up her vision. She said she was Sorry. Sorry for being so selfish and stupid as she felt. She was ashamed. She looked away as soon as he caught her sight. Just watching him full of joy playing with his children, thoughts of love he had for them, the songs he sings over them when they sleep, how he held them through storms and how his voice thunders when the devil took even one step near his children. She knew him. She knew God so well but what was stopping her? What was this wall that she was constantly building between them? Why couldn’t she trust him? Was it the fear that he would let her down? The fear that he would leave her alone? No. It was fear that she didn’t trust him because she got hurt from the beginning. Hurt and pain that left her sleeping in pool of tears at night, pain that left her saying meaningless prayers when she knew she needed God the most. She realizes she’s either in or out. There’s no in between, there’s no shades of Grey. You either black or white. Or as she remembered the bible saying “You’re either hot or cold”. Feeling like the woman thrown at Jesus Feet in the bible is the way she felt right now. She didn’t dare look up into his eyes. She didn’t dare utter a word. She barely whispered or sighed. She didn’t care anymore. Whatever she did good or bad, she couldn’t escape her demons. So she lifted up her head and inside her. her ash-dusted heart was blown away by a gust of wind. A wind that took every strength, love and being she ever was within her. She was numb. He reached for her hand and she let him bring her to her feet. She stood there. Guilty, tired and heartless. Not an ounce of love was left. She was exhausted. So unwillingly, she fell into his arms, weak, with no life to live for, he held her. He held her with a broken heart knowing she’d had enough.
Shadows of pitch black surrounds me as I follow him who is in front of me. With a gold sash around him as his white robe glowed, I followed him. I had no idea where we were going. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I was broken. My life broke and then finally I broke myself. I shattered to pieces and here I was, whole whenever I was with and near him. His name is Jesus. This is the first time I’ve trusted him for so long. I don’t know where he’s taking me and what his purpose is for my life, but I trust him. Trusting Jesus is a bit difficult at first. It can be uncomfortable and a change of environment. But once you’re set on a strong foundation, you know who you are and who to trust and what to do. He is and will be forever given the glory.
O lord where can I hide from your presence?
Where can I be where I can’t be found?
Is there ever a time in heaven where the sun dies out
Where we can’t hear the praiseful sound
When the storm is strong
And the rains are heavy
Your children ask “Were you even there?”
When the flowers are scorched
When the trees are trembling
We still say “Lord I need you here!”
When a breeze of the wind
strokes away the tears
that once streamed down our cheeks
out of emotions of heartache and fear
We beg you for mercy crying out “Please!”
So you stepped down onto earth
You even left your throne
You knew that Jesus died on the cross
But you were the one to take us home
So we trusted you one step at a time
and another step once more
til the day comes when we take the last step further
until we reach heavens door
Life has given her enough trouble
And people have crushed her completely
Everyday she felt unlovable
But she’s decided its time to leave
Thats when every droplet of tear
Was wiped away
Thats when every ounce of fear
Was replaced with peace that day
That’s when she found herself just
And kneeled down to pray
Thank you dear lord for being there for me